Asking A Loved One About Their End-of-Life Wishes

Do you want to spark a conversation about preparing for illness, old age, and end-of-life with a peer or older loved one? This guide offers a few tips for how to begin these sensitive conversations.

Be honest and direct. Sometimes the biggest thing stopping these conversations is our hesitation. Many families may not talk about death often or at all. This doesn't mean that our loved ones are closed to talking about dying—plan to be honest and direct when initiating a conversation with your family.

Begin with their values. Consider asking: What is most important to you in life? Do you have a bucket list? Do you have any strong wishes for how you live and die?

You know your loved one best - you will know what circumstances might be a better moment than others to bring it up. For many people, the death of a friend who is similar in age will be an invitation for someone to face their mortality, whether they want to or not. For some people, that’s a good time to offer to be present with them as they sort through those feelings. For other people, they might feel more vulnerable and defensive if brought up under these circumstances. Use your discretion. 

Keep it life-affirming. In the best case, end-of-life planning is a comprehensive look at one’s life as a culmination of their values, experiences, hopes, and dreams shaped over many years. Return to that - try to avoid having the whole conversation feel bleak.

Consider cultural background and expectations. Death care and rituals vary widely across cultures. As we live in an increasingly globalized world, we might feel jealous about how it is done differently from what we are used to. Remember to meet your loved one where they are, learning what is important to them, and being honest about your limitations.

Share why end-of-life planning is important to you. Consider planning for your end-of-life and share with them genuinely about how you are doing so and why. In some ways, you may model and open the door to conversation naturally. To be even more direct, you can share your fears and concerns about what could happen if your loved one does not prepare for their end-of-life.

Get curious about previous experiences with death by asking about someone they loved. Consider asking: What were your parents/grandparents/[insert name of someone you know they loved dearly] like? How did you learn that they had died? Do you remember what their care was like at the end of their life? Were there any arguments about their care or during the funeral?

Remember that important things take time. You don’t need to cover everything in one conversation. Allow time for you and your loved one to process what has been said, and don’t force it. At the same time, try to stay present even if things get emotional - whether it’s your own or theirs. You can do hard things!

These tips help you orient yourself to how you will have the conversation, but not all the topics you might need to discuss. Take a look at this Guide to Common End-of-Life Documents to consider, and this brief guide for How to Order Your Affairs. This article from NPR Life Kit is a simple overview too. Check out our Instagram for links to more end-of-life planning resources, and consider working with a Doula to help navigate the complexity.